


Sweet Horrible Pain

by Ashley_Winchester_77



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Self-Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2018-12-02 20:13:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11516610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashley_Winchester_77/pseuds/Ashley_Winchester_77
Summary: To feel rejection even if you are loved. Even if all you can do is bite the bullet. To feel as though your below everyone. Suffering inside your head and heart!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Maybe extend if asked of more!

(Y/n) was walking around the sanctuary minding her business. Even though everyone was saying hello or seeing how she was. She would say hello back and lie to them that she was amazing. Even if the smile on her face hurt her too much. Nobody would dare see how weak she was. Not to those whom hardly knew her. Not even to Negan, her husband. He was too busy with his kingly duties.

Every time she was alone she'd pull a blade to cut. It felt so good to bled. Even if it was temp high. Even if her tears rolled down her face. And her sorrow was gone for a moment. Thing's became clear as she cut til red showed up. It was real to her and her alone. Feeling the keen sting of blade on flesh. Her flesh only.

"Hey (Y/n)! We need your help in the kitchen. You seem to know how to cook a mean dish. Come on, please!" said Simon to (Y/n).

"Yeah I will be there soon. Just give me a few seconds and I will be there. I am sure that I can whip up something worthy of eating!" said (Y/n).

Luckily Simon had been out of her room. And not seen the tiny blade she carried around. God forbid if they did see it. Then shit would hit the fan too. And not to mention she'd loved cutting. Aside from fucking Negan on a daily basis. And Negan allowing her to work. But seeing her joy for cooking allowed him to let her.

In no time flat she was able to get a stew that was savoury and delicious going. And sure to be filling to all. And even sweet treats for even after was miraculous. Everyone praised her for fantastic cooking. Then she took of on her guard duty.

"Hey (Y/n), Why aren't you in bed yet? Your a wife, not guard. Funny thing you are!" said Arat sternly with unbridled enjoyment. 

"Because I wanted to see what the fuss was about guard duty. And as a wife I have every right to see that thing's run smoothy. Besides Negan is too busy. Even for little me!" said (Y/n) haughtily.

"Well I will not stop you from what ya wanna do. But if Negan...." said Arat to (Y/n).

"But Negan what, Arat? You wanna finish that or I am going have Lucille fuck you up. She is a vampire bat. And tonight she is mighty thristy!" said Negan sharply.

"Your wife was wanting to see the fuss on guard duty. And I was about to tell you probably wouldn't want that for her. That was all I was going to say, Sir!" said Arat.

"And you are right and wrong at the same time. Yes it displeases me to see her here. But under no circumstances will you dictate what it is I want or don't want. That is my fucking business, not yours!" said Negan sternly.

By the time they got done (Y/n) was nowhere to be seen. Figuring it was not a conversation that she wanted to be party to. Roaming to where she was sure that she get some rum and chocolate. Because fuck she hated thing's right now. 

Negan caught (Y/n) outside of the car park they had established. Hearing her singing I'm So Sorry by Imagine Dragons as she swayed around. Seeing her dance around like nobody was seeing her. Even though it was mid-afternoon too. Negan was sure that she hated thing's as they were. But knew he wasn't going to engage in that sort of talk. He'd wait for her to approach him first and foremost.

(Y/n) ate into the chocolate and drank from the rum bottle. As she was dancing like her damn life depended on her getting every dance move right. Fuck she was too damn fucking drunk. And she didn't seem to care one bit of she was watched or not. Going up to where Negan's room was and passing out cold. Seeing Sherry there and nude as can be. Sherry dragged her best friend over to cuddle.

"(Y/n), You need to stop drinking. It will not ease the pain. Need you to stop, please!" said Sherry.

"I am f-fucking trying to s-stop d-drinking so m-much, sherry. But I can't seem to s-stop this pain. Liker fucking c-cutting d-damnit!" said (Y/n) slurring to Sherry.

After those words (Y/n) had passed out cold. And Sherry saw as Negan walked in. And had (Y/n) in the middle of them both. Sherry was on her right and Negan her left. And they all went to sleep soundly. Deciding to table the talk til they woke up and had food in there system. Negan knew she was suffering inside.


	2. Chapter 2

(Y/n) was slowly waking up in Negan's bed with Negan and Sherry. They were looking at her with concern that left her hurt. She was acting silly and stupid again. With the last people she wanted to see her this way. Fuck her life to hell.

"I will just take my leave now. Before you start to hound me. Fuck me!" said (Y/n).

She had collected her stuff fastly. Sherry despite her being nude as can be. Was trying to stop (Y/n) from leaving like this. Sherry loved (Y/n) with everything in her. Negan had wrapped his arms around her too. Feeling her sobbing away.

"Negan let me go now. I don't want you looking at me with pity. Don't deserve it!" said (Y/n) pathetically.

She was able to break away with the moves Simon had taught her. And fled away from where Negan's quarters were at. Simon has tried to stop her too. But locked herself in her room. And cut into her flesh quickly. Feeling the stress melt. Hearing loud knocking at her door. (Y/n) had learned a long time ago to drown noise out when cutting. Didn't know how big the cut was until she was waking up to being in medical. Sherry was sobbing in the corner and begging for her to come back.

"S-sherry is that you over there? I need water, please!" said (Y/n) roughly.

Sherry had propped (Y/n)'s head in her lap. Allowing her to drink a little better. It occurred to Sherry that (Y/n) was suffering from her inner demons. And seeing the many cuts (Y/n) had revealed shocked everyone. Even Simon, Arat, Negan, Dwight ,and Sherry bad enough they cried. Sherry was wanting to be there now.

"I know you saw the many cuts I have. And how it is effecting you and whomever else knows. And I know I gotta stop. But I can't stop now or ever!" said (Y/n) sadly.

"Look I know thing's suck right now. Maybe when you feel like cutting come to us. Meaning Arat, Dwight, Me, Simon ,and especially Negan. Our husband!" said Sherry softly.

"I will try to do that more often. But it is so hard sometimes. Hurts so much, Sherry!" said (Y/n).

Sherry held onto her til she stopped sobbing so badly. Laying her back down as she was sleeping again. Negan came in and saw that (Y/n) was out again now.

"Negan we need to be here for her. In whatever way we can for her. Not where we are always hovering over her. But in a way where she feels comfortable opening up. Let her come to us and we will have open arms for her!" said Sherry to Negan. 

(Y/n) was picked up from the hospital bed and taken to Negan's room. Sherry had tucked her in softly. And Negan had cradled her head on his chest. Sherry had taken off to go talk to the other wives. To get them to help (Y/n) out better.

 


	3. Chapter 3

(Y/n) woke up alone and cold in her room. Going to slip into blue shorts and black tube top with her high heel boots. Putting on a dash of make up with perfume. Heading to her desk to write a letter. That would be placed on her bed for later. She hated what she was writing. Sealing up the letter and leaving. Making her way to the very top of sanctuary. Looking down with sadness too.

Arat was looking up at the sky for some reason. Seeing her friend standing there about to jump to her death. Getting Negan to head up there too. Simon was close to where (Y/n) was at. They were scared she was going to kill herself. 

(Y/n) was at the very edge of the building. Tears stung her eye's as hopelessness crept up into her heart. She neither wanted or cared for there pitiful stares. But, She'd never even wanted to see that. So death seemed a better route for her now.

"(Y/n), Just stop right there. I need you to step away from the ledge. And come in my arm's. I love you so much and the thought of you gone hurts too much. We can figure this all out." said Negan to (Y/n) with tears.

"No Negan you don't love me. You hardly ever look at me anymore. Like before. When all you saw me as the brave strong lady I am. You look at me with sad broken mess I am. Don't stop me from doing this. I will resent you!" said (Y/n).

"Now you know that ain't fucking true, darling wife. I am so very damn sorry. Can change how I look at you. Can make you happy again!" said Negan sadly.

"Fuck you Negan and the hell with this place. Fuck my life. I'm done!" said (Y/n).

Negan saw that Arat had tackled her to the ground. Away from the ledge now safely. (Y/n) was screaming at them to let her go and just die. Negan and Simon had managed to get her back to Negan's room. But as they had entered Sherry was there. With the letter that she had written to everyone. Sobs were heard too.

"Please (Y/n) I need you to live. Not for us, but you. You help us so much here. I don't think I'd last much after. If you should have perished!" said Sherry brokenly.

(Y/n) was in too much shock now at Sherry's words. She walked over to the couch that was in Negan's room. Closing her eye's and sleeping off what has gone on. Sherry pulled a blanket over her. Simon had sat by her head silently so.


	4. Chapter 4

Things had turned hectic that day. Sherry or Negan were gone away on a run to Hilltop. Simon had taken Arat with him to Alexandria. Dwight was too busy keeping thing's positive. Which left her yet again with her demons in her head.

Hating how weak and pathetic she was. Why couldn't she been sane or level-headed? Fuck her and her life sad little life. She was walking to her car in the Sanctuary. Going out for a bit always helped her out. No matter what happened. Driving pass Hilltop and Alexandria to go to a run by herself.

"Hello (Y/n), It's been awhile since coming here. Why are you alone?" asked Carol.

"Because everyone is treating me like broken glass. And I fucvking am not that. Not today or ever. Came here to get the hell away!" said (Y/n) to Carol.

Carol knew that she was one of Negan's wives. But not often was allowed out due to emotional baggage. But Carol saw her as a daughter figure no matter what. (Y/n) stayed over that night and ate with Carol. Carol helped her get to bed.

"Thank you for being understanding. You have no ideal. Nighty night!" said (Y/n).

"Rest well!" said Carol to (Y/n).

Meanwhile with Negan with Sherry....

Negan was trying to find (Y/n) for some cuddle time. Sherry was tried after having to be around Negan almost all day. Nobody knew where she was at now. But, Dwight did say that (Y/n) had taken her car. And that she had told Dave she'd be back later on. However that wasn't what Negan wanted to hear.

"You know she is depressed and needs constant watching over. I am going to see if she is at Carol's. And if not, There will be hell to fucking pay!" said Negan.

Negan saw Simon driving in right now. Telling him where they were going. Arat was a bit peeved she took off on her own. Simon drove as fast as he could. To get there a bit faster. Negan was not thrilled she was out by herself or with Carol.

At Carol's Place....

Carol and (Y/n) woke up very groggy. (Y/n) had gone out the front door in her short maroon mini-shorts, light baby blue halter top ,and black converses. Wearing her hair in a messy up-do. Having made hand maid coffee that was as black as her heart. She saw a walker headed to the metal fence. And quickly taking care of the problem. 

"Hey there stranger, I didn't think you'd show up here. Why isn't Negan with you?" asked Rosita.

"Because, I rather get away from that...." said (Y/n) to Rosita with hurt.

That was when Simon, Arat ,and Negan came out of the truck. They were looking real pissed off at her just standing there fine. (Y/n) had gone over to Negan.

"Hey Negan, It looks like you found me. I am actually glad you did. But not here!" said (Y/n) softly.

Simon was busy getting what (Y/n) had brought over. Arat was told to return Rosita to Alexandria. While Negan was in awe of what she was wearing. Having to resist the very urge to fuck her senseless. Simon saw and chuckled a bit too.


	5. Chapter 5

(Y/n) was back with the saviours as Negan's third in command. Trying to do as Negan had wanted out of her. She was his wife and all with all the responsibility to handle. Though they treated her like she was glass. Which shucked for her in a big way.

"Negan, I think I need a fucking break. Like you ran me into the bed hard last night. Pretty sure my body was going to break. With the pounding you gave me!" said (Y/n) snidely.

"Yeah well darling, You fuckin asked for me to piledrive into your dirty pussy!" said Negan smugly.

He didn't have it in him to tell her No. She was going to learn soon enough that she was valued. That people looked up to her no matter what. Even though she'd hate it no less.  Negan had picked her up and wrapped her leg's around him. Loving the way she felt in his arm's. Arat knew this was what (Y/n) needed at the time. Simon was just happy she wasn't trying to kill herself. 

"Negan, I wonder if you will ever tire of me? Like if I start to wrinkle!" said (Y/n) smugly.

"Even then I will damn well love you. You fuckin mine aand that is final!" said Negan to her.

He heard her giggle and lay her head on his shoulder. Simon had chuckled since it was so damn adorable. It was that way only to him. That Negan has gotten her struggles.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
